Legacy burdens— when not properly addressed- can manifest out of loyalty to our family members and the feeling that there is a wrong we now have the responsibility to right. While this is a form of love in and of itself, it perpetuates intergenerational grief.
Read MoreWe often think of hope as an emotion, something like sadness or disappointment or joy that comes and goes, ebbs and flows, with our lived experiences. This warm sense of possibility and optimism can kind of feel like an emotion because we often experience it in sporadic intervals rather than having it embedded in our cognitive processes as a useful coping tool.
But did you know that hope is actually a learned skill? While it does have affective (a.k.a. emotional) elements, too, it is largely motivated by cognition.
Read MoreGrief feelings aren’t always graceful and poised. They can get messy and overbearing and complicated, and yes— expressing those feelings might make you feel bothersome, annoying or even selfish. But you aren’t. While it is possible to ruminate or get stuck in your grief, you are embarking on a natural process that seeks to honor the memory of a significant loss, and you can do so by engaging in healthy expressions of grief.
Read MoreFacing the loss of a loved one is always difficult, but losing a loved one to suicide can come with an additional layer of pain and questions.
Along with mourning the loss of life itself, you might find yourself grappling with the nature of their death and the ever-present question of “why.” Your devastation might be further elevated by factors like disenfranchisement and stigma, conflict with cultural or religious beliefs or police questions.
Needless to say, losing someone to suicide is compounded by so much more than the death itself, and as suicide cases are on the rise, I found it important to step into my online space and address suicide loss.
Read MoreAs I prayed over what to address in this week’s blog post, my heart came to those of you who are currently walking through the difficult wilderness of disenfranchised grief. Disenfranchised grief occurs when a person’s society, culture, or immediate social circles fail to acknowledge the loss either because the death is stigmatized, or the relationship between the bereaved and deceased is seen as insignificant. Disenfranchised grief can even occur in instances where a death isn’t experienced, but a significant loss absolutely is.
Read MoreOur emotional processes aren’t quite as simple as a definitive declaration of “I am happy” or “I am sad” immediately following an event. We can’t label our emotions in a heartbeat, no matter how we try.
And yet, we expect ourselves to cordon off our emotions as quickly as possible, and by doing so, move through life with only half of the information. We make assessments about our thoughts and behaviors without first knowing the backstory.
This is how we become disconnected from ourselves. This is how we stray from self-compassion, viewing our emotions with judgment and shame. This is how we wander from empathy for our fellow human. This is a fraction of how we have found ourselves unable to cope with our surroundings during the pandemic— because we don’t always have the words to describe it.
So much of our emotional experience is limited by two things: the guideposts of language and the stigmatized, societal pressure to “just get over it.” I’d like to use this week’s online space to break this down a little more.
Read MoreWhat does it mean to ‘hold space’ for yourself and for others?
Those of us who work in the mental health profession tend to have our own language of sorts, which thankfully, is becoming more “mainstream” as— slowly but surely— the wellness community grows.
Even still, as I was writing some of my social media content this last week, I found myself caught on two words: “hold space.” How often I use it but how little I truly reflect on the power within these two words!
Read MoreEver since the pandemic hit back in March 2020, we’ve resorted to using the word ‘unprecedented’ to describe just about everything — unprecedented times, unprecedented emotional experiences, unprecedented grief. This word has become a failsafe in the absence of any other remotely sensical language to describe this terrible period of time that we’ve been caught in for going on two years.
But I don’t think we’ve truly stopped to recognize just how traumatizing an effect COVID has had on us— both collectively and individually— and our respective worldviews. We haven’t examined how hard a pandemic has been and continues to be on our mental health.
We expect ourselves to carry on as usual, to put on a brave face, to deny ourselves our own internal experiences because our external experience has become significantly more pressing. We only have so much energy to spare, so we’ve turned it towards what feels most important, denying ourselves in the process.
Read MoreWhere do you fall on your list of priorities?
Seems like a funny question, doesn’t it? I might have caught you off-guard, or you might have found yourself reading that line a second time, just to be sure there wasn’t a typo.
But it was no mistake, so I ask again: Where do YOU— your mental health, your emotional regulation, your self care— fall on your list of priorities?
Read MoreIt is entirely logical that we would hold tight to the idea of a new calendar year marking new beginnings, new resolutions, and at times, even a whole new sense of self. (“New year, new me,” anyone?) We change our habits, we update our wardrobes, we sign up for a gym membership, we reassess our respective career trajectories.
We see an opportunity to regain some semblance of control, and we seize it… myself included!
But what the novelty surrounding the New Year doesn’t account for is the reality of the human condition.
Read MoreOne of the most frequent questions I get from friends and family of grieving individuals: “What do I say? What do I do?”
Even if you say and do all of the “right” things, it doesn’t necessarily mean it will bode well. Because of the uniqueness of the grief journey specific to different people at different times, there’s no way to know if what is right and helpful for one person is right and helpful for another, but you can show up for the grieving individual in healthier, more helpful ways.
Read MoreSome of us might choose to tackle grief head on, taking each and every emotion in stride. Others of us might find solace in avoiding our grief. Still others of us might ebb and flow between a combination of the two. There is no right or wrong way; there is just whatever way gets us through.
But when avoiding grief turns into chronic avoidance, we don’t allow our minds and bodies to process our significant loss. Avoidance only wards off the pain for a little while, and in the meantime, it builds up until we willingly choose to face it, as trying as that might be.
It’s no secret that grief has a propensity for ravaging the mind and spirit. It takes a significant toll on the mental state of the bereaved as they seek to fill a hole that we know can never be filled in the same size and shape of the person lost.
But did you know that grief is actually a full-body experience? One that has physical effects, as well as mental and emotional?
Coming to understand the physical effects of grief helps us get a better picture of our own or a loved one’s grief experience. When we take the bird’s eye view of grief, we’re able to award ourselves and others the compassion necessary to be on the grief journey free of shame.
Read MoreSelf-compassion is the quality that allows us to remember that we are only human. We aren’t superheroes or robots; we are fluid, changing beings who ebb, flow, and feel. Our experiences cannot be defined or limited, and neither can we. Because we tend to be our worst critics, self-compassion is one of the most valuable tools we can possess.
Read MoreThe holidays aren’t always the most wonderful time of the year, especially for those who have experienced the loss of a loved one. No matter how much time has passed since the loss, grief is a process without a pause button, and the holidays can be especially difficult.
The holidays— especially Thanksgiving, Christmas, Hannakuh, and New Years’— are historically a time for togetherness, for celebrating, for spending time with loved ones. This is a tradition that is imprinted on many people in some way or other, which often only magnifies a loss even more.
Read MoreWhen we pursue the purpose in the pain, we ultimately give ourselves the very purpose we might feel like we lost when we lost a loved one, lost a job, lost the way we thought life was going to turn out. It gives us the chance to sift through what we do know in hopes of understanding what we don’t— a little bit of resolution in the midst of overwhelming uncertainty.
Read MoreI was reminded of grief’s turbulent and unique makeup this last week after my creative director shared an account of a close friend losing his semi-estranged father. This close friend’s parents had split at a young age, leaving him packing a suitcase to spend every summer with a father that— to the best of his comprehension— had left his childhood uncertain and his family splintered. As he grew into adulthood, the close friend learned to forge a relationship of sorts with his father, but of course, there were years and bonding opportunities left unaccounted for and a certain degree of bitterness harbored. This story left me pondering the question: Could complicated grief get any more complicated?
Read MoreKnowing a significant loss is coming doesn’t make it any easier, any less painful than if you were blindsided. But understanding this type of grief, known as anticipatory grief, can aid in building awareness around your own emotions and experiences. When we not only know what emotions are at play but how those emotions are temporarily altering our brain chemistry and overall wellbeing, we can better pursue healing within our unique experiences.
Read MoreI know losing a child isn’t something you simply “move on” from. But I’m here to offer you hope in moving forward. There is no one way to grieve, and I hope that gives you self-compassion as you navigate grief on your own timeline and by your own means.
Whether grieving the loss of your own child or supporting someone who has, knowing that there are multiple pathways to navigate grief is imperative to the healing process.
Read MoreSome things are etched on our hearts. Oftentimes, one of those things is the day when a loved one passed. Though the years go by, and we may think that it is just a normal day, there are always reminders as to who is missing. Grief is difficult. It is not a single process that everyone experiences the same way. This is critical for each of us to remember. Since we do not experience grief in a predictable set of stages, there is no “one size fits all ” way to cope with loss. There is no closure to grief. Grief is not about letting go of past relationships or closing yourself off from them. Even in bereavement, you continue your bond – albeit in a different way.
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