13 Do's and Don't's of Supporting A Grieving Individual
One of the most frequent questions I get asked by friends and family of grieving individuals: “What do I say? What do I do?”
Being a part of a grieving individual’s support system is by no means easy. Not only do you hope to offer words of encouragement and be of benefit to the person, but you likely struggle seeing them in pain. There is probably an element of wishing you could take their pain away and knowing you can’t. You might even experience compassion fatigue as you try so hard to be there for them that you don’t pay your own needs mind.
Additionally, even if you say and do all of the “right” things, it doesn’t necessarily mean it will bode well. Because of the uniqueness of the grief journey specific to different people at different times, there’s no way to know if what is right and helpful for one person is right and helpful for another.
“You don’t know (what’s right to do or say) until you do know.”
Needless to say: It’s complicated, and I often say that you don’t know until you do know. But, I’m hopeful that the below list equips you to feel more confident in being a support system to your grieving loved one. Above all else, know that your presence alone is one of the greatest gifts to that grieving person— no do’s or don’t about that.
The Don’ts:
Don’t say “He/she is in a better place.” Regardless of your own beliefs about the afterlife, in the midst of the tumultuous grief journey, a better place than right here with the loved one is likely unfathomable. One of the most difficult parts of the grief journey is wrestling with “what happens” to the person who passed once they’ve gone, so it’s best to steer clear of initiating that conversation.
Don’t avoid talking about the loss out of fear that it will upset the grieving individual. As you tread lightly around your grieving individual’s emotions and experiences, the natural solution can seem to be just to avoid it altogether. Saying nothing isn’t always better than saying the wrong thing because it can appear like you are indifferent about their mourning, even if that isn’t even remotely the case.
Don’t tell them you know what they’re going through, even if you do to an extent. This one goes back to the whole “every grief journey is vastly unique” thing. Even if you’ve lost a loved one— or experienced grief in another way— and see parts of your own experience reflected in the grieving individual’s experience, projecting that onto them can feel like you are minimizing their own very real, very imminent journey.
Don’t try to distract or turn the conversation to happier times. If the grieving individual trusts you to open up about what they are feeling or going through, let them talk. Nod or respond affirmatively to let the individual know you are aptly listening, but just let them talk as much or as little as they’d like.
Don’t say “There is a reason for everything” and other platitudes. Even if blessings do eventually spring from the grief journey, the grieving individual is going to have an extremely difficult time finding a reason or justification for their loss, whether it be a death, divorce, or job loss.
Don’t steer towards toxic positivity. When you find yourself in uncomfortable, sorrowful situations, it can be easy to look towards the proverbial sunny side. You might say things like, “Look at the silver lining!” or “Stay positive, stay strong,” but these can hurt more than they can help. It’s important for grieving individuals to know that there is absolutely nothing wrong with their tears or sorrow or anger or shame surrounding their loss and that they don’t HAVE to put on a brave face in the midst of their grief.
The Do’s
I could list a number more don’t’s, but in all transparency, there are so many ways you can show up for the grieving individual that I’d much rather focus on those.
Do say “I wish I had the right words to ease your pain, but just know I care.” Acknowledging that you are well aware your words can’t erase someone’s grief is significant consolation in and of itself. It lets the grieving individual know that the words you do say are well-intentioned, but that you don’t begin to believe they will solve the hurt and loss.
Do check in with the grieving individual regularly. One of the biggest misconceptions about grief is that it runs its course quickly. In fact, grief is an emotion that is difficult to overcome, that sometimes doesn’t run its course at all, continuing to show up in different ways over the course of a lifetime. While the pain might ease up, it might not ever go away entirely. As a result, much of a grieving individual’s support system tends to drop off after the funeral or after a few weeks go by… even after you see the grieving individual smiling on their Instagram again. You might think, “Well, they seem fine, so they must be fine.” Please don’t assume that they have moved on just because they have moved forward— Be that consistent support system long after the immediate loss.
Do ask them questions about their lost loved one. There is a time and a place for this one, but if the grieving individual seems to want to start a conversation about their loss or brings up a memory with their lost loved one, encourage them. Share your favorite memory, too. Ask them about another time they witnessed love in action in their relationship with the lost loved one. Be an active participant in the conversation, while also making sure you’re giving the grieving individual the floor to share their experiences and not your own.
Do say “I don’t know how you feel, but I’m here to help however you need it.” Sometimes, directly asking what the grieving individual needs you to say or do is the most helpful thing. When drowning in grief, one of the most significant trials can be to ask for help. Offer up your support by letting the grieving individual determine what they need following your invitation.
Do offer a hug instead of saying something. If you don’t know what to say, that’s okay. Even a ten second hug (or longer!) can be an insurmountable show of support to the grieving individual.
Do acknowledge the grieving individual’s experience. Say things like “We all need help at times like this” or “Your emotions are entirely valid” so that the grieving individual knows they are entitled to their own grief experience.
Do continue to take care of yourself as you offer up your support. Being a part of a grief support system is a heavy task, and it can be easy to throw your own needs to the wayside as you try to be there for the grieving individual. Continue to take time for yourself, ask for help when YOU need it, participate in self-care, and even visit a counselor if you’re feeling compassion fatigue. Your mental health matters, too.
Finally, one of the best things you can do to support a grieving individual is research grief professionals so that they don’t have to. The grieving individual might know that they are out of their depths in their grief and that they need help, but the act of actually doing the hard work of research might be too much to fathom. I am pleased to offer myself as a resource to both you and your grieving loved one in this difficult time; contact me anytime.