Shining a Light on Intergenerational Grief
“Legacy burdens— when not properly addressed- can manifest out of loyalty to our family members and the feeling that there is a wrong we now have the responsibility to right. While this is a form of love in and of itself, it perpetuates intergenerational grief.”
Grief is one of the more mysterious emotions we experience in our lifetimes.
Not only does it not operate “by the book,” so to speak— every grief experience is unique and on its own trajectory— but it can have so many different forms and be so very difficult to overcome. Of course, grief is largely connected to loss of life, but it can also be experienced in ways that tend to be disenfranchised by society (i.e. divorce, loss of a pet, job loss, etc.).
As if there isn’t enough complexity in those facts alone, grief can also be a looming presence in our lives without our even knowing it. We might feel this unshakable, lingering sadness in our day-to-day lives, despite being fully aware that we have blessings and objective goodness in our lives. We might feel that something “just isn’t quite right,” but not be able to pinpoint where this grief is stemming from. While this description can also sound a lot like depression, it could well be that you are grappling with unresolved trauma and intergenerational grief.
Note: This blog does not function as a formal diagnosis and should not be substituted for therapy. This blog post is merely insight and guidance.
How Does Intergenerational Grief Work?
The field of epigenetics is one of the big contributors to learning that trauma can be passed down through generations. This residual grief often happens in instances where the grief event is so great and left so unresolved that it essentially gets “handed down” to the next generation.
For example, Holocaust survivors and their families have been identified as one of the main groups of people experiencing this type of grief. Anyone outside of the experience can’t fathom the horrors that went on in the concentration camps, but the sense of significant heartache that survivors experienced often bore (and still bears) an emotional impact on their family members, at no fault of their own. This unresolved trauma now shows up as a higher dependence rate among the subsequent generations.
We might also see this transgenerational grief through families who have dealt with racial injustice over the years. For instance, Black and Asian-American individuals report high rates of bearing the weight of this kind of trauma, and because therapy remains largely inaccessible or stigmatized among communities, it only perpetuates.
Intergenerational grief can occur on a less global scale, as well. A parent’s significant bereavement and unresolved grief might instill emotional weight in their child. Loss of a job and inability to cope in the aftermath could create a sense of pessimism in the offspring. A miscarriage could make a subsequent child feel a sense of guilt that they got to live and their baby brother or sister didn’t. (Read: Moving Forward After Pregnancy Loss). We might even consider that parents with children during the pandemic might unintentionally instill grief emotions around the lost years and everything else that we are mourning after this traumatic time. (Read: Covid-19’s Effect on Mental Health)
Overall, these legacy burdens— when not properly addressed- can manifest out of loyalty to our family members and the feeling that there is a wrong we now have the responsibility to right. While this is a form of love in and of itself, it perpetuates intergenerational grief, and it’s important to stop it in its tracks through counseling.
Resolving Residual Grief
In addition to therapy, resolving residual grief starts with shining a light on that which needs mended. This entanglement within the family system often hides in the shadows because, as we talk about a lot around here, grief is unfortunately still so stigmatized and shamed in society.
When we give ourselves permission to hold space and honor our lived experiences and the lived experiences of our ancestors, we might notice something that we are carrying that doesn’t belong to us. We might finally be able to pinpoint that inherent grief that has been embedded in our daily life, seemingly without reason.
When we look at the bigger picture, we can pursue healing and build a life that is fulfilling for both you and generations to come.