Acknowledging and Validating Disenfranchised Grief
As you might know from experience or from being a consistent reader of these blogs, grief is more complicated than society tends to acknowledge. In addition to the fact that no two grief experiences are the same, there are even different types of grief: anticipatory grief, complex grief, traumatic grief, etc.
It’s complicated, to say the least.
As I prayed over what to address in this week’s blog post, my heart came to those of you who are currently walking through the difficult wilderness of disenfranchised grief, feeling like your grief is not worthy of acknowledgment. This is such a painful place to be in, and I want to take pause here and say: Your grief is worthy. Your loss was significant. You are allowed to mourn.
What is Disenfranchised Grief?
Disenfranchised grief occurs when a person’s society, culture, or immediate social circles fail to acknowledge the loss either because the death is stigmatized, or the relationship between the bereaved and deceased is seen as insignificant. Disenfranchised grief can even occur in instances where a death isn’t experienced, but a significant loss absolutely is.
Here is a non-exhaustive list of the instances in which disenfranchised might come to exist:
Stigmatized Death:
suicide
murder
overdose
HIV/AIDS
drunk driving
Relationship Considered “Insignificant”:
ex-spouse or partner
coworker
same-sex or gender fluid partner
partner from an extramarital affair
pet
gang member
Loss Outside of Death
traumatic brain injury
mental illness
substance abuse
dementia
You might have noticed this list is remarkably lengthy. Many of you might even be skimming through it and either have experienced one of these losses yourself or directly known someone who has.
And yet, in more cases than is honestly comprehensible, this grief is entirely invalidated or left unacknowledged. Not only does this amplify the grief stigma, but it minimizes the grief of the bereaved while simultaneously intensifying the loneliness they are experiencing. It can singlehandedly prolong the healing process.
Recognizing and Validating
So how do we validate disenfranchised grief, both as the bereaved and as bystanders to the grief? How do we work to defeat the stigma that surrounds the examples I listed above?
Educate yourself. As a witness to someone else’s grief, I encourage you to read up on the specific instance of the bereaved. Read about miscarriage and child loss. Find resources for how to support someone left behind to suicide. Be a student of the world. Every week, I write a new blog post seeking to cover the vast emotions and experiences that come with grief, compassion fatigue, loss, and mental health. But please know: If you can’t find what you are looking for here, contact me. I will provide you the resources that will help you be an active participant in defeating disenfranchised grief and showing up for your bereaved friend or loved one.
Hold space. Cast aside the stereotypes or your perceptions of the loss for a moment, and remember this: The bereaved is a human being who has just experienced a significant loss, a loss that is not their fault nor could they have seen coming. People need people, and the person in question is no exception. If you are the bereaved, validating and witnessing goes for you, as well. You can be your own compassionate witness, too. (Read: How to ‘Hold Space’ + What It Actually Means’)
Seek help. Navigating the waters of grief is more often than not more than we can handle on our own. There’s no shame in that; we all need additional support at different times in our lives. Please contact me, regardless of whether you are experiencing disenfranchised grief or find yourself being called to support someone dealing with one of these instances of complex grief.
Recognition and validation is one of the most crucial aspects of the healing process, and we can all be advocates for grief that the rest of the world might not yet acknowledge or accept.