Moving Forward After Pregnancy Loss
I could follow the lead of every other blog post about perinatal loss and start this blog post with all of the statistics surrounding it. I could build awareness around how common it is to lose a child by listing some meaningless projection of numbers.
I could, but I won’t.
The Truth of Pregnancy Loss
The only numbers relevant to someone who has lost a child are the years they’ll never see their child live out or the number of days they’ve been trying for one. Every other number doesn’t matter.
It’s an unbearable loss that no one outside of the child’s parents can possibly fathom or justify with a statistic. Despite how little time the bereaved got to spend with their child inside or outside of the body, the intensity of the grief experience is no less than any other loss. True awareness is built by knowing how to support the bereaved or how to honor your own grief experience as the bereaved.
That’s why, this Pregnancy Loss and Infertility Awareness Day, we are throwing numbers out the window because numbers are irrelevant when you’re grieving. The grief process simply cannot be quantified OR qualified. It is unique to each and every individual.
If you are reading this and you have experienced infertility or lost a child: I see you. I recognize that pain won’t ever go away. The world has stopped spinning on its axis for now, and I’m here for you as you navigate how to start its turning again while continuing to honor your child’s memory.
Moving Forward is Not Moving On
I know losing a child isn’t something you simply “move on” from. But I’m here to offer you hope in moving forward. There is no one way to grieve, and I hope that gives you self-compassion as you navigate grief on your own timeline and on your own terms.
Whether grieving the loss of your own child or supporting someone who has, knowing that there are multiple pathways to navigate grief is imperative to the healing process.
Give yourself time. Healing happens at your own pace. Some days will be better than others, and that’s okay. Pushing yourself to “find joy” or “feel okay again” isn’t going to help anyone; in fact, it will hinder you from holding space for your needs. When you honor your humanity and the space needed to process your loss, you also honor the hope for healing in time. There’s no rush.
Know that it isn’t your fault. Nothing you could have done would have changed the outcome. Don’t allow yourself to carry any of the blame. You might experience a wide variety of emotions including numbness, anger, child envy (feeling jealous of other people’s children), depression, guilt, or a unique combination of all of the above. This is all a valid part of your experience that can be processed with the help of a professional.
Keep the comm lines with your partner open. Don’t expect your spouse or partner to cope the same way you do. You are two different people, but you are on this grief journey together. Be honest with each other as you each navigate grief in your own way and know that there is support if you find yourself growing distant from one another.
Establish boundaries without judgment or shame. Well-meaning friends and family will want to be there for you, and they will all want to be there for you in different ways. Whether bringing meals or clearing out baby clothes, it’s your call how you choose to receive well-intentioned support, and you are allowed to make the decision that what they’re offering just isn’t what you need right now.
Honor your baby in whatever way brings you solace. Perhaps you want to name your baby, or maybe you’d rather not. Maybe you want to hold a memorial service or plant a tree in loving memory. You might like to hold your baby or take photos. Any way you choose is perfectly okay.
Find support in your own time. Whether you join a small support group of other grieving mothers and fathers or seek help from a professional grief counselor like myself, please know that you don’t have to go this alone. Find individuals who will lift you up and allow you to navigate your grief on your own terms.
To contact me about navigating the loss of your child or the grief of infertility, please click here. I look forward to hearing from you.