The Difference Between Self-Care and Self-Compassion (and Why We Need One More Than the Other)
Introducing two of the most significant buzz words on the Internet right now: self-care and self-compassion. Instead of just using them as hashtags on our social media posts, though, let’s actually talk about them together. Let’s discuss what it means to be a self-compassionate individual who practices purposeful self-care.
Not only do we tend to use these words interchangeably,, but we also have a habit of considering self-care a replacement for self-compassion. The thing is, self-compassion is fundamental, and meaningful self-care follows.
Whereas self-care is treating yourself kindly, self-compassion is regarding yourself kindly. It’s the distinction between doing and being, acting and thinking— and it’s a distinction that we need to make in order to get meaningful results from our self-care and view ourselves in a compassionate light.'
Why Do We Need Self-Compassion?
“Self-compassion is the quality that allows us to remember that we are only human. We aren’t superheroes or robots; we are fluid, changing beings who ebb, flow, and feel. Our experiences cannot be defined or limited, and neither can we. ”
Let’s start at square one— Why on Earth do we need self-compassion, anyway? And how important is it, really?
Self-compassion is the quality that allows us to remember that we are only human. We aren’t superheroes or robots; we are fluid, changing beings who ebb, flow, and feel. Our experiences cannot be defined or limited, and neither can we.
Because we tend to be our worst critics, self-compassion is one of the most valuable tools we can possess. It almost acts as an armor against our least kind thoughts about ourselves and skyscraper-high expectations of ourselves.
For example, self-compassion is what steps in when we have a sick day and can’t (and shouldn’t) push ourselves to get things done. It’s the gentle voice in our ear that says, “Okay, time to make some soup and curl up in bed. Work will be there when your body recovers.”
Self-compassion is what consoles us when we’ve bitten off more than we can chew and overloaded our calendars, finding ourselves frenetically running from here to there. It’s what keeps us from beating ourselves up for doing that, instead learning from our mistakes and trying to move slower from here on out.
And self-compassion is the very thing that helps us honor our basic human experience without judgment or shadowing. It’s what gives us space to feel what we need to feel how we need to feel it when we are grieving or burnt out or just plain exhausted. It’s the grace we need in order to thrive, not just survive.
Because that’s the thing about it: Self-care without self-compassion will help you survive, for a little while anyway. But when we mistake all of these self-care activities (that typically demand time and money) for “fulfilling,” we find that self-care becomes a debt in every sense of the word. It isn’t motivated by self-compassion but by the human desire to check yet another box.
Instead, when we couple our self-care with self-compassion, it helps us see our self-care as a vital component of the day-to-day, not just a bubble bath we take once a week to convince ourselves we are filling our cup. It comes from a place of truly believing we deserve our own compassion and care in order to be our best, most fulfilled selves.
The Cup of Compassionate Self-Care
The metaphor of the cup is one I like to use regularly with my clients to explain this process.
Picture a cup of water. Every drop of water resembles your valuable energy.
Now imagine your day. You wake up, maybe snooze your alarm. Now you’re running late. You can’t find your keys, run into some traffic, maybe spill your coffee on your blouse. All of these things are what I like to call “cup bumpers.” They knock some of that energy out of your cup, energy that you had allotted elsewhere in your day but unexpectedly went towards the simple act of getting to the office.
Cup bumps are just a part of life; we don’t have control over all of the elements of our day. We might even have people in our lives who bump our cups, who tend to take a little more out of us. Doesn’t mean they’re bad people; that’s just the nature of certain relationships.
With these kind of people, we tend to just keep pouring. The same goes for the work obligations, all of the social engagements we say “yes” to even though we are operating from a place of exhaustion, etc.
We have the choice to not only absorb the hit— again, it’s a part of life— but to pour back into our cups once they’ve been bumped. Reason being? When we have nothing left to give, nothing left to pour out: We show up in our lives empty and wanting.
Instead: Imagine that same cup of water and that same day, but this time, fostering a rhythm of self-care that allows you to keep your cup replenished from a source of self-compassion.
A Step-By-Step for Practicing Self-Compassion
So how do we enact self-compassion in our lives, especially if the idea of giving ourselves grace doesn’t come easy? How do we become self-compassionate people so our self-care actually serves as life-giving?
First of all, remember that it’s a process that doesn’t happen overnight. Healing can be slow and have a bunch of learning curves. It can also be quick and on the straight and narrow at times, too! What matters is that we just keep going, embracing it as it comes.
Here are a number of helpful steps as you learn self-compassion:
Role play. Put someone you care about deeply in the position you’re in as you find yourself facing a certain hardship. Your spouse, your sibling, a friend… even your dog! (I have two corgis that I love more than anything!) Briefly insert them into the situation you find yourself in right now.
Reflect. Using this imagined scenario, ask yourself: How would I speak to my spouse, sibling, friend, or puppy if he or she was in this situation? Would I be kind and reassuring, reminding them that we all make mistakes, we all muddle through, we all try and try again? Or would I speak to them as discouragingly as I am speaking to myself in this very moment? What would I expect from them in this same situation?
Reassure. Using these answers, imagine what encouraging words you would speak to the person (or furry friend) to remind them that they’re doing the best they can, all the while learning and building awareness about their own worldviews and emotional experiences.
Return. Come back to yourself. Return to the situation you are in in real-time. Now ask yourself: Can I have the same compassion for myself that I just had for (insert role-played individual)?
Reroute. If you can’t summon that same compassion, I encourage you to ask yourself why. What makes YOUR human experience any different than your spouse’s or your friend’s? Why don’t YOU deserve the same amount of grace they do?
Notice that, while this step-by-step might play out in real-time over the course of a mere ten minutes while you’re commuting to the office or cooking dinner, every step is vital to seeing yourself in a grace-filled light. Every step is an intentional part of embracing self-compassion and integrating it into your daily life.
Then (and only then!) is your self-care truly playing a part in your healing— when it stems from a source of self-compassion.