6 Ways to Cope With Grief Over the Holidays
The holidays aren’t always the most wonderful time of the year, especially for those who have experienced the loss of a loved one. No matter how much time has passed since the loss, grief is a process without a pause button, and the holidays can be especially difficult.
The holidays— especially Thanksgiving, Christmas, Hannakuh, and New Years’— are historically a time for togetherness, for celebrating, for spending time with loved ones. This is a tradition that is imprinted on many people in some way or other, which often only magnifies a loss even more.
So as the bereaved, what do you do when there is no togetherness, when you don’t feel like celebrating, when your loved one is no longer here? Alternatively, when you’re the individual supporting the bereaved, how can you help them through their amplified grief season?
As the Bereaved: Honor the Loved One’s Memory in Your Holiday Traditions
Many individuals find it helpful to continue with beloved holiday traditions in your loved one’s absence. For example, you might have a favorite holiday movie that you’d watch with your loved one, year after year, while curled up on the couch with a hot cocoa. If it isn’t too difficult for you, keep watching that movie year after year, and remember the joy that brought you. Or perhaps you’d go on an annual expedition to the Christmas tree farm or bake a specific dish for Hannakuh or split the wishbone together at Thanksgiving. Keeping those traditions alive can help you keep your loved one’s memory present and remind you that joy is still possible in their absence.
As a Supportive Individual: Fill Empty Holiday Roles Ahead of Time
Often times, everyone has a “job” within a holiday tradition (i.e. Grandpa dressing up as Santa Claus or Uncle cutting the turkey). To alleviate some of the unnecessary and unexpected moments of grief for the bereaved, plan to fill those roles well in advance.
As the Bereaved: Honor Your Grief Emotions
It’s okay to feel everything you are feeling, holidays or otherwise. Remember: Feelings can co-exist, so you might feel unexpected joy one moment and overwhelming sadness the next. You might even feel a little bit of both at the same time. That’s okay; acknowledge those emotions with kindness and self-compassion, but don’t avoid them. They’re nothing to be ashamed of, and they are a natural part of the process.
As the Bereaved: Give Yourself Permission to Set Boundaries
If your calendar looks anything like mine, the holidays can be filled to the BRIM with social events. Please know that you are allowed to be selective about what you will and won’t attend. You might like to tell the host in advance that you will only be able to attend for an hour, if that’s an amount of time that you know you have the energy for. You might like to send a notice along with your RSVP that things are a little trying right now, and if you don’t attend last minute, you’ll look forward to seeing the host next time. You’re even allowed to not attend altogether if you find that is something you can’t do at this time.
A helpful tip: Have a Plan B in place for specific holiday events. For example, if you don’t attend your work holiday party, create a Plan B to bake holiday cookies or listen to your favorite holiday soundtrack while taking a bath— something that will bring you comfort during the holiday season.
As the Bereaved and the Supportive Individual: Create New Traditions
Making new memories does not invalidate or erase old memories. In fact, it creates space to move forward while still honoring your loved one’s memory by finding the joy that they would want for you. You might experience feelings of guilt at the fact that you’re creating new traditions: acknowledge, validate, feel, and then challenge those guilt feelings and remind yourself that the story continues.
As the Bereaved and the Supportive Individual: Know That Help is Only a Call Away
Sometimes our grief gives us so much more than we can bear alone, and that’s okay. Ask for help from friends, family, coworkers, or grief experts like myself. Seeking counseling services might just be the additional strategy that helps you take this holiday season as it comes. Please contact me anytime.
Take it one day at a time, one holiday party a time, one feeling at a time. Be kind to yourself and know that I am praying for you with each passing day. Happy Holidays.