Your Grief is Not a Burden
“Grief feelings aren’t always graceful and poised. They can get messy and overbearing and complicated, and yes— expressing those feelings might make you feel bothersome, annoying or even selfish. But you aren’t. While it is possible to ruminate or get stuck in your grief, you are embarking on a natural process that seeks to honor the memory of a significant loss, and you can do so by engaging in healthy expressions of grief. ”
When we experience a loss— whether it be the loss of a loved one, a pet, a marriage, etc—an invisible clock starts running, marking how long you are supposedly allowed to grieve before you are supposedly meant to “move on.”
This clock was shaped around the false belief that your grief is a burden. This clock perpetuates guilt and shame around an emotion and experience that is nothing to be ashamed of, that is a sorrowful but entirely human thing.
This clock does not exist, and your grief is not a burden. Not in the slightest.
Your grief is an expression of love, an indication that you loved someone or something so dearly and now seek to mourn that loss through the grief process. Expression is an outward flow of love, not something to be shamefully shoved inward because you have been lead to believe your grief is bothersome or “too much” for others.
In fact, when we stifle our grief down, we actually run the risk of prolonging our pain or acquiring persistent complex bereavement. We might get lost within the depths of our mourning to the extent that we can’t find a way to move forward, can’t see hope on the horizon.
Grief feelings aren’t always graceful and poised. They can get messy and overbearing and complicated, and yes— expressing those feelings might make you feel bothersome, annoying or even selfish. But you aren’t. While it is possible to ruminate or get stuck in your grief, you are embarking on a natural process that seeks to honor the memory of a significant loss, and you can do so by engaging in healthy expressions of grief.
5 Healthy Ways to Express Your Grief
First and foremost, know that you have permission to tell your story. You are absolutely allowed to talk about what you lost, how much it meant to you and how much it hurts now that it’s gone. What is most important in this expression is to tell your story with people and in places where space is held for your grief. Not everyone will be willing to hold space for your experience, but that’s not a reflection on you whatsoever. Whether with a trusted friend or your grief counselor, having these sources of safety to verbally express your pain is an important part of the process.
Journal. Your loss is significant, and there will likely be more emotions and memories than you could ever express in the span of a conversation. Holding space for yourself through journaling ensures that all of those valid thoughts and experiences have somewhere to go. The best part about a journal is it doesn’t go anywhere. It will be there for you whenever you need it.
Write a letter to your loved one. One of the most troubling parts of grief is that you can’t talk to the one person you might need to talk to most. While they can’t read it, this is a place for you to navigate the unsaid things that are wrapped up in your tangled grief emotions. You might express love and how much you miss them. You might need to express anger that they left too soon or that you didn’t have the relationship you wanted to with them while they were here, and that’s okay. You might tell them you feel guilty or lost, and that’s okay, too.
Join a support group. Grief can be such an isolating experience, especially because no two people experience grief the same way. By joining a community where loss is the common denominator, you might find a venue for your grief to be expressed without judgment.
Celebrate the special days. Whether a birthday, an anniversary, or a holiday, acknowledging how much you miss the person on these commemorative days allows you the opportunity to express your love regularly and honor their memory with continuity.
Above all else, it’s crucial to remember that the perception of grief as a burden has nothing to do with you. It’s a stigma that has developed in society over time, but expressing your grief is a beautiful, worthwhile endeavor that holds a memory close to your heart.
Please feel free to contact me if you’re seeking a safe space to express your grief. For more insight into telling your own story, read: The Way We Speak About Our Emotions and Experiences.